Neurodivergent Love Languages: How Different Brains Show Love.
Content note: This piece explores neurodivergent communication, sensory needs, and different expressions of love.
Read time: 8 minutes
Navigating love and relationships can be confusing when growing up as someone who is neurodivergent, it can even feel as though we “love wrong.” It can be that our love comes across as “too much” or intense, yet it can be the opposite to that, there may be no grand gestures or poetic words.
To the uninformed, it might seem as though the neurodivergent does not care, or lacks empathy, yet it is just that there is a different way of understanding how love and affection is expressed. It is not less love, it is different love, and it can be beautiful once you understand it. My personal opinion is that these love languages can be applied to all types of close relationships, not just with people who we are dating.
I invite you to explore the five traditional love languages, what they mean, and what they look like from a neurodivergent perspective. What do each of the love languages look like for you?
Cream coloured Scrabble tiles, on a white background. The tiles in the centre spell out “I love you” and there are random letters scattered around the edge of the image.
Words of Affirmation
In the traditional sense this means verbal appreciation. For neurodivergent people this can appear as communicating directly and with clarity, and info-dumping. It might be through sending long text messages, or stating feelings clearly such as “you are really important to me.” It can sometimes seem as though there is oversharing happening, or that the person is talking a lot about themselves or a certain topic, yet this is usually due to it feeling safe to do so with you. It is someone saying “this is something that matters to me, and you matter enough to me for me to share this with you.” It is also a gift of the time and attention during that communication. It is a complement in a way.
‘Pebbling’ can come under this love language, and also under the receiving gifts love language. Pebbling is a phrase used within the neurodivergent community to describe a specific way that some neurodivergent people show affection. Pebbles are small and meaningful things given as a way to show care, often digital but it can also be real life objects.
Pebbles can be:
Pictures of something cute, like a cat if you like cats.
Links to articles that you might enjoy.
Songs which brought you to mind.
Memes that will make you laugh.
Tiny reminders such as “you are stronger than you think” type reminders.
Random facts that you might enjoy.
Tiktoks or reels from social media.
Stones, shells, trinkets, stickers.
Pebbling can often be misunderstood as just sending stuff for the sake of it, however, for many neurodivergent people it is a primary love language, a form of affection that feels natural, sustainable, and authentic.
Quality Time
Traditionally this means focused presence. For neurodivergent people this might look like co-regulation and parallel play. Sometimes, someone who who is calm and grounded just being in the same room as us can help to regulate our nervous systems when we are feeling overwhelmed. It isn’t a desire to have someone there in a social sense, just a quiet and safe presence. It is a “please could you just be here in supportive silence so that I feel safe whilst I rest/sleep?”
Parallel play, or activity, is another way to spend quality time together. This is when two people are doing their own activity in the same location as each other. An example might be one person reading a book whilst the other does some crafting, or one person playing on a computer game, and another reading blogs online. Feeling safe to stim together; rocking, fidgeting, pacing, twirling, clapping, to self-regulated also tells the person that it is safe to be yourself with me.
Acts of Service
This traditionally means helpful actions. Neurodivergent examples are body-doubling, helping to break down tasks which seem overwhelming, giving drinks and snacks to ensure that we keep hydrated and nourished when our focus may be elsewhere, or just offering structure when needed. Body-doubling is when having someone with us helps us to complete a task with gentle accountability and structure. This is especially helpful for people who struggle with task paralysis. The other person doesn’t need to be helping with the task and they can be there in person or virtually.
Acts of service is to notice the overwhelm, or the hyperfocus, and saying “I’m here, I’ve got you” not through words but by actions.
Physical Touch
In the traditional sense this means affectionate contact. The neurodivergent person might prefer deep pressure hugs, weighted blankets, consensual touch, and respecting boundaries around touch. It is remembering to say “may I give you a hug?” rather than just going in for one. It is not placing hands on someone at all without permission.
With physical touch, I feel that it is important to remember that some people need time to transition or to deal with the task in hand before their nervous system allows them to be touched. This isn’t a rejection, it is just a “not right now” An example of this would be your partner arriving home from work and you wanting to give them a hug and a kiss, but them being frustrated by this. For many neurodivergent people, there is a transition period between tasks. I am someone who will sit in the car for ages to transition between the journey and entering the home, others might arrive home and then need to sit and be allowed that transition time indoors. If your partner is the latter example, it is important to observe that transitional space.
I am a very tactile person with people who I am close to, unless I know that they don’t like being touched. I like physical touch, however, firm but gentle is better for me. I don’t like a light touch as much, it feels uncomfortable, and I definitely can’t cope with being touched when stressed. If I feel safe with someone (in friendships) though, I am usually quite playful and tactile with them regardless of gender. We are all different, some like touch, others don’t, and that may fluctuate depending on many variables. This is why it is essential to communicate well and understand the individual.
Receiving Gifts
This traditionally means receiving items that have been given with thought and consideration. For neurodivergent people this can be seen in “I saw this and thought of you” moments, offering a gift linked to their hyperfocus, or practical items which they think will make life easier for you.
I dated someone who never gave Christmas presents and cards, and very rarely birthday presents, as they didn’t like Christmas or birthdays themself. I think that they felt too much pressure and demand at those times of year. However, they would randomly send an “I saw this and thought of you” message, or would turn up with practical items for the home, or garden throughout the year. Over time, I came to realise that this was their way of showing affection. Different didn’t mean less.
Whilst some people can feel quite upset if their partner gifts them a kitchen aid for a birthday present, when it comes from a neurodivergent partner it can be a gift that has had a lot of thought and logic put into it, something that the person feels will make your life easier. When someone cares enough to want to make life easier for you, then that shows how much that you matter to them.
Gifts aren’t always bought gifts though, it can be items that have been handmade or discovered on an adventure… I mean, who doesn’t love going on a stick hunt, or being given pretty sticks or rocks that someone found?!
Why neurodivergent love looks different.
Our love language can look different for many reason and it will vary based on our neurodivergence and how that it manifests for us as individuals. It could be due to very literal thinking and the need for clarity in communication. It could be to do with sensory difficulties, especially when it come to touch.
Burnout, social energy limitations, and executive functioning challenges can also be a major challenge for neurodivergent people, especially is leading a busy life, working around people, having to mask, or have parental or care responsibilities. Co-occurring health conditions also add to these challenges. This may mean that things are forgotten about, or that acts of service such as drinks and snacks and quality time in the form of quiet presence are needed and valued more than going out for a meal.
Pebbling offers a way to create connection without the overwhelm of making big gestures or having intense conversations. It is a way to say “this makes my brain happy and I want to share that happiness with you.” It is noticing small details, remembering what someone has said that they like, and sharing interests.
Why it matters.
Taking the time to understand each other’s love language not only allows us to understand each other with compassion, it validates each other’s neurodivergent needs and experiences. It can result in a health relationship where RSD is avoided and misunderstandings are reduced.
What better way to show someone that they matter that to take the time to understand them, to see them as they are, and to celebrate them. It sends a message that the person isn’t “too much” or “not enough” and says that they are valued, loved, and supported just as they are.
Practical tips.
Avoiding hinting and being direct can prevent disappointment, RSD, and communication problems.
Create the safety to be able to communicate each other’s needs clearly. What are each other’s love languages? What are the boundaries?
Ask what each other’s preferences are around physical contact, and what are the variables. Respect these, and always check in the moment.
Try not to assume that silence means disconnection, it could be that parallel play/activity feels like connection to the other person and it might be greatly valued.
Learn about each other’s special interests, and celebrate them. Allow each other space to share.
If there is difficulty communicating due to distance, overwhelm, communication preferences, or for any other reason, try and discover a way to say “I hear you, I see you, I love you, and I will reach out to you as soon as I feel able to do so.” This could be a certain emoji being sent, as a type of code. It could be a picture on the phone that is sent, a post it note, or the use of a communication aid such as those by Stickman Communications.
Communication, healthy and respectful communication, is key to all types of relationships.
